Emergent Monday: Joel Osteen Heretic Superstar

There's one hard and fast rule about writing about Joel Osteen - it feels best when you pray before and shower afterward. To be honest I was going to write about Mark Driscoll's sinful public behavior at Strange Fire... fish... barrel... open fire. If Mars Hill was a true Christian church Mark would be standing tall before the elders and to quote Ricky Ricardo "He have some 'splainin' to do" But by their silence the elders of Mars Hill are condoning his sinful actions. Then again maybe the elders get pay-per-view access to Mark Driscoll's mental porn channel.

Like Rob Bell, Mark Driscoll is an easy target, you just scuff your heel to find some dirt. Joel Osteen is special though. I mean, who else but someone with otherworldly assistance could step into a pulpit with less formal schooling than the average 18 year old and suddenly have 30,000 followers? There's a spirit influencing there, but is it the Holy Spirit? 

Emergent Monday - Odd Things I Learn At My Front Door

On occasion a freshly scrubbed pair of young men will appear at my front door with Good News for me. They both wear black shoes, white socks, black pants, a white shirt, a pencil thin black tie, a few pens in a 60's era pocket protector, a maroon bicycle helmet and a black back pack that's worn nerd style (both straps on, pack riding high, not the more stylish one strap over one shoulder, pack hanging very low)

Usually one of their opening lines is that they're not here to convert me, to which I respond "Good, and since you are here I fully intend to convert you," and I crack open my NASB. At this point there's usually the sound of air slapping closed on a sudden vacuum and a pair of vapor trails heading off to the neighbors house. Yes, they were mormons and no, they haven't figured out (like the JW's have) to put me on a black list. Now don't get me wrong, by posting about the mormon church on Emergent Monday I'm not saying that the mormon church is an emergent church. The Presbyterians are: "Mormonism is a new and emerging religious tradition distinct from the historic apostolic tradition of the Christian Church". And just like the Doug Padgetts and Rick Warrens and the Eugene Petersons of the emerging church they have something different to say about what God has already said...  

Emergent Monday: The Prosperity Gospel VS The Real Gospel

The Prosperity Gospel is based almost solely on Psalm 37:4

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart

And John 10:10

¹⁰ The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.

Emergent Monday: Slaying In The Charismatic Movement

Like "Speaking In Tongues" and "Faith Healing" the spectacle of being "Slain In The Spirit" is a farce, a ruse to amuse the rubes. It's an "ear tickle" designed to entertain the goats, an act of extreme silliness born in greed, ignorance, and occult practices.

According to the practitioners of spiritual slaying this is a phenomena that occurs when a Christian is so overcome by the Holy Spirit that they fall down incapacitated for a while. Normally when a Christian is overcome by the Holy Spirit it's not in the presence of 10,000 laughing, babbling, fainting people, it's generally in quiet prayer with the Lord and quite often while studying the bible. In a Charismatic circus service it's a safe bet that there's not a lot of bibles getting the dust blown off of them. Instead there's a highly animated "pastor" who stands before the rube parishioner, he waives his hands and shouts into the wireless microphone and down goes the parishioner. Benny Hinn can knock out an entire auditorium of tithe bearing goats.

Emergent Monday: Watching A Man Of God Fall From Grace

The Emergent Church, and the Charismatic Movement has a primary goal in mind and they don't speak it out loud except in the most flowery, deceptive terms. A smattering of discernment and knowledge of the word of God would rob the emergent church of their goats and protect the sheep from the heretical views of these false teachers. However not enough people bother to read God's word any more and wouldn't know a commandment from a cup of coffee. 

Sometimes it's hard to understand what the bible is saying and we put our trust in a man that preaches the word of God in an honest manner, unpolluted by personal agenda and worldly goals. Watching a man who can teach the bible, who can preach the Gospel, who has shown a devotion to the doctrine of salvation, team up with false teachers like Rick Warren and Mark Driscoll is heartbreaking. Why Greg Laurie, why? 

Emergent Monday: Heresy du Jur - Binding Satan

I know that the charismatic church is not the emergent church, but both being ear ticklers and both emerging as the leading form of goat herding, I lump them together otherwise I'd get nothing done around here. And besides, it's getting kind of boring reporting on Rob Bell and his never ending Apostasypalooza.

The Heresy du Jur is something I just stumbled upon and didn't realize mankind could be so arrogant or so stupid to fall for this one of Satan's most heinous pranks: Binding Satan. Binding Satan is one of the more insidious heresies that come out of the charismatic movement. An escapee from the charismatic movement wrote a letter to my "bible study partner" Dr. John MacArthur and described her situation: 

Emergent Monday: Holy Ghost Bartender

A while ago my bride and I were listening to a Christian fiction novel on audio book as we drove up to the Black Hills of South Dakota. The story wasn't too bad but the authors image of heaven was nonstop laughter, which to me is not heaven. I mean, I enjoy a good joke as much (if not more) than the next guy, but I don't see heaven, or God for that matter, as a joke. However when the book mentioned a vision of heaven the soundtrack was filled with laughter. It was maniacal laughter. It was unhinged laughter. It was totally unnerving. It was bizarre. It was the creepiest thing I ever heard. That is until I heard Todd Friel of Wretched Radio feature a bit of Rodney Howard-Browne.

Rodney Howard-Browne calls himself the "Holy Ghost Bartender" because he "serves the new wine and his goats followers get drunk with joy". RH-B was born in Port Elisabeth, South Africa and emigrated to the United States in 1987, the same year that Microsoft unleashed Windows on an unsuspecting world. (I'm not drawing any conclusions here, I'm just sayin'...) He claims to have committed his life to Christ at age 5, and also claims to have been filled with the Holy Spirit at age 8. At the age of 18 he claims that he was praying for hours seeking a deeper spiritual experience when he challenged God:

"'Either You come down here and touch me, or I will come up there and touch You,' he prayed in desperation. Suddenly, his whole body felt like it was on fire. He began to laugh uncontrollably. Then he wept and began to speak in tongues. 'I was plugged into heaven's electrical supply,' he later wrote in his book, The Touch of God. 'And since then my desire has been to go and plug other people in'" (Julia Dulin, "Praise the Lord and Pass the New Wine," 8/94, Charisma, p. 22).

I believe he was touched, but who was he touched by is the big question.

Emergent Monday: The Disaster of Dominionism

The core doctrine of Jesus Christ's second coming, as taught consistently in Scripture, can be summed up in one line: "Jesus Christ is coming again bodily to earth to rule and judge." This is kind of a no-brainer for anyone that's sat down and read the bible. 

For those that haven't read the whole bible - SPOILER ALERT: Jesus is coming back and he's got a whole lot of judging to do. This revelation (which comes from the book of the same name) has lead to many differing doctrines; Pre-Tribulational Rapture, Mid-Tribulational Rapture, Pre-Wrath Rapture, and Post-Tribulational Second Coming (In most versions of postribulationism, the "rapture" and the "second coming" are at the same time. Jesus Christ comes back for His elect, they meet Him in the air and He comes bodily to earth immediately to rule and reign.)

Are these doctrines important to your salvation? No. Do they have anything at all to do with your salvation? No. Agree with them or not, each one of these doctrines is based on interpretation of scripture and what they all come down to is a matter of timing, and since Jesus told us that even He didn't know the exact hour they're all fair arguments. Unfortunately another doctrine has gained popularity in the emergent church and it is not based on scriptural interpretation, or any scripture at all. The doctrine is Dominionism (AKA Kingdom-Dominion AKA Restoration) and its the darling heresy of the emergent darkness church. 

Emergent Monday: The NAR, or "False Prophesy For Fun And Profit"

First we have to ask: what exactly is the New Apostolic Reformation? According to false prophet C. Peter Wagner the official answer is that the NAR is not a cult (according to the NAR) and says it's "the most radical change in the way of doing church (doing church?!?) since the Protestant Reform". However when studying the NAR doctrine and its unending list of false prophesy and heresy it becomes glaringly obvious there can only be one reason for their existence: the New Apostolic Reformation was allowed on this earth by God to be the proof that Bible prophesy is 100% accurate and that our Lord, Jesus Christ, was dead on when He said

¹⁰ At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, ¹¹ and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. (Matthew 24;10-11)

Emergent Monday: Unbiblical Choreography

Yoga is not for everyone

When Mars Hill Pastor Mark Driscoll says something's heretical, you know it's REALLY REALLY heretical. When Mark Driscoll thinks something is beyond redemption, it's a bad thing, a very bad thing. And I find myself in agreement with Mark Driscoll on this one item - Christian Yoga.

It's called by many names; Christian Yoga, Holy Yoga, Scripture Yoga, PraiseMoves, all of them are oxymorons. Yoga has been and always will be a pagan rite, and trying to "Christianize" yoga would be like trying to invent Christian Wicca - it's not going to happen. While Yoga's primary goal is to become one with the universe, Christianity's primary goal is to worship and glorify the creator of the universe. Yoga's primary method is inward looking meditation, Christianity's primary method is conversation with God. Yoga is all about self, Christianity is all about God.

Emergent Monday: Name that Tune

I love Country Gospel Music, I really do. Everything is better with good Country Gospel Music. Anyone that owns more than two dogs will tell you that there's some jobs that need to be done regularly that question the sanity of owning any dogs. But when I slap on the head phones and put on some good Country Gospel, the task of de-toxing the back yard becomes another way of glorifying God. All minor tasks that used to annoy me are now a joy to perform because I get to sing to the glory of my maker as I do them. These versions of "Me and God" and "Just a Closer Walk With Thee" can get me through any task, no matter how difficult, distasteful or degrading. 

You may think that these two songs are at the opposite end of the country spectrum and you're partially right. Closer Walk is old school country: Sara Evans did an incredible job of introducing today's audience to Patsy Klein, steel guitar, and blue grass fiddle, Me and God is much more modern, very bouncy, very happy. But the similarities are striking - both are talking about a real relationship with God, and God isn't some fluffy nothing, God is Ruler of All, our master and lord. This is a concept of which Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) will have no truck with.

Emergent Monday: Repentance in the Emergent Church (lol)

As I've mentioned before, repentance is a command from Jesus, it's not a small thing, it's found throughout the New Testament. In Luke 5:27-32 He explains exactly why he's here, to call the sinners to repent. This whole repent thing is also mentioned in Mark 1:14-15, and Matthew 3:2, and Matthew 3:8, and Luke 13:1-5, and Luke 15:10, and Luke 24:46-47, and Acts 2:38, and Acts 3:19, and Acts 11:18, and Acts 17:30 ... wow, that's eleven references in the New Testament alone, and that's not nearly all of them. So with eleven plus references to repent you may get the impression that repentance is important, and if you did get that impression you, of course, would be right. 

But what if you didn't get that impression, what if you didn't like the entire idea of repentance for the forgiveness of your sins? What if you decided to redefine the word and make it fluffy and warm and not the internal war with sin that it is? In that case you'd be Rob Bell and you'd be condemning people to hell. 

Emergent Monday: Repent in Hell

Rob Bell, who as I've mentioned wants you to roast in hell, thinks you have plenty of time to repent after you get settled in to hell. I'm guessing that he figures that once you get your in-processing done you'll be able to change your mind and beg forgiveness for what you've done. Go on - live your life. Kill, maim, cheat, steal, enjoy! Because God is love and he couldn't possibly be mean to you no matter how evil you are! So, according to Rob Bell (but not God) hell is a place where you can ponder your inequities, say the sinners prayer and you're forgiven. Unfortunately for his followers, Rob Bell is not God and he doesn't make up the rules, and hell is not a low security prison. Once you're there, you've shut the door on God:

“Then they will call on me, but I will not answer; They will seek me diligently but they will not find me, Because they hated knowledge And did not choose the fear of the Lord. (Proverbs 1:28-29)

As I pointed out in my last blog that semi-educated nutcases like Steven J. Steward who's hobby is berating Godly men like Ray Comfort and John MacArthur due to Stewards own heretical misunderstanding of simple doctrine, don't like repentance. He loves the "Sin your way to salvation" doctrine because repentance to him means to try to live a sinless life which in his mind is a work which is a sin that he doesn't like, but he's ok with sin because we're sinners, just not that sin. (I'm guessing he doesn't like it because it's not as fulfilling a sin as compared to oh... say... child molestation)

Steward's view on repentance is both different from the Emergent Church's and the same. Steward wants to avoid repentance because of his skewed view of doctrine, the Emergent Church completely ignores the concept of repentance because reminding people of their failures is unpopular and people may not show up to their megachurch. Dropping attendance means empty collection baskets. So if you got Rick Warren and Bill Hybels and Eugene Peterson and Steven J. Steward convinced there is no need to repent then what does the bible REALLY say about it? 

Emergent Monday: Rob Bell Wants You to Roast in Hell

When a supposed Christian purposely preaches to you a false Gospel and you as a Christian ignore the word of God to embrace the word of the false teacher, where do you expect to end up?

I'll give you two hints: you're going to end up with that false teacher, and you're not going to end up in the presence of God. 

Don't blame the false teacher if you find yourself embracing heresy or blasphemy, the bible gives plenty of warning that these antichrists will abound to fool and deceive us. In fact the bible shows what to do when you hear someone claiming to preach God's word. Acts 17:11 gives us a perfect example of how to listen to a man of God: get into the scripture, double check his message, take nothing for granted. Be a Berean - isn't your eternal soul worth the effort of double checking the preachers word? in 1 Thessalonians 5:21-22 we're ordered to test everything and to hold on to what is good. 2 Corinthians 13:5 also tells you to test yourself, and if you're testing yourself you have none to blame but yourself if you allow the heresy of an antichrist to become your Gospel.

I tell you that to tell you this: Rob Bell is back and he's not empty handed, he's brought his new book.

The Mess of The Message: Gibberish Passing as Prose

As I've mentioned before, I'm not a fan of The Message Bible perVersion, nor am I a fan of it's author Eugene Peterson. I like the real Bible, and I love the real Bible's author, God. But to me it appears that the Bible, the real Bible, isn't interesting enough for Mr. Peterson, so he had to make up his own. 

Unfortunately for the  whole world this abomination was published and distributed exactly like it is a real version of the Bible, rather than what it truly is: one man's satirical rewording of God's inspired word. 

From what little I've read of Peterson's revision of the Book of Revelations he didn't even leave that book alone, maybe it's because he no longer has enough faith left to take heed to the warning in  Revelation 22:18-19, every word inspired by the Holy Spirit is fair game for his creative (read: heretical) pen.

Take 1 Timothy 2:11-12 for example

¹¹ A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. ¹² But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet.

Emergent Monday: Pastor Oprah, Superstar

During her appearance on her April 23 2012 LifeClass Tour Oprah Winfrey professed twice to be a Christian during her introduction, which the media decided was proof enough that she was indeed a Christian. "My favorite Bible verse – because I am Christian – is Acts... something..." The Black Christian News Network suggested that Miss Winfrey was a "secret follower" of Jesus Christ and that those that doubt their word are modern day Pharisees. 

Allow me to school the Black Christian News Network for a moment. Attention BCNN: This isn't North Korea. Here in America where the only people being persecuted for freedom of speech is conservatives being persecuted by liberals for not aping their twisted versions of the truth by being called racists regardless of the content of the discussion. (Note to readers: If someone calls you a racist, you just won the argument) Allow me to remind you of what the Old Testament says about "secret followers" of Jesus: Psalm 34:2, and what the New Testament says about "secret followers" of Jesus: 1 Corinthians 1:31. If the Black Christian News Network actually took a look at Oprah they'd find that she's a "secret follower" of someone else.

Emergent Monday: Dealing With The Devil

What would you do if next Sunday your pastor shows up with a publicly avowed satanist and introduces him/her/it as a Christian then allows him/her/it to expound to the congregation from the pulpit on the joys and wonders of satanism?

What would you do if you found out your church was accepting money from a atheist Nazi sympathizer who has publicly stated that he intended to overthrow the constitutional government of the United States?

What would you do if your church decided to invite a person that is still active as an "actor" in pornographic movies to address the church, not to witness how Jesus came into his/her life but to talk about the porn industry and how porn actors are just people like you? 

What would you do if your pastor announced a joint service with a religion that has based their entire theology on killing you for your beliefs? What would you do if your pastor preached in an attempt to convince you that except for that whole murdering thing and blasphemy of God and Jesus thing, this other person's religion is the same as yours?

What would you do Christian?

Emergent Monday: Send In The Clowns

When people are called sheep in the bible, it's not really a compliment. Sheep are pretty clueless creatures, they walk around and eat grass and get dirty and need haircuts, but other than that their only  other redeeming quality is that they are edible, which combined with their dull wits make them the number one ingredient in wolf chow. To get them to go anywhere you need to smack them with a stick, and they tend to follow any large sheep (or goat) that's standing in front of them for no good reason what so ever. Even though it's a pretty good allegory for people and even though sheep aren't much smarter than the grass they're eating, the biblical references to sheep are affectionate references to followers of the Good Shepard, Jesus Christ.

Goats on the other hand, not so much affection there. Goats are the unrepentant sinners, the unbelievers, the spiritually dead. In fact the term goat in the bible is less than insulting, its damning:

³² All the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; ³³ and He will put the sheep on His right, and the goats on the left...  ⁴¹ “Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; ⁴² for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; ⁴³ I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ (Matthew 25:32-43)

Emergent Monday: Sola Scriptura Fail

Sola Scriptura is Latin and it means "by Scripture Alone", it is the doctrine that the Bible contains all knowledge necessary for salvation and holiness. This is not a denial of other authorities governing Christian life, but it demands that those authorities are found directly within the Bible or derived accurately from writings found in the bible. It demands that all other authorities are subordinate to the written word of God.

Sola Scriptura means that no other requirements for salvation are needed than those found in the Bible, which, in case you're playing along at home, is repentance of your sins, and faith in Christ. If a person believes that if he sings Ave Maria 520 times while holding Mother Teresa's rice bowl he will get into heaven, that's a very interesting belief, but it's not scriptural. Can you see this fellow standing before God on judgement day and God says "I only counted 519 iterations of Ave Maria, now let's talk about that weekend in Kansas city with the Elks lodge and the dancing girls from that nightclub..."

Emergent Monday: Dumbing Down God

Open Theism is a new term (invented in 1980) for an old heresy  Open theists do not believe that God does not know the future; rather, that the future does not exist to be known by anyone. For the open theist, the future simply has not happened yet, not for anyone, and thus, is unknowable in the common sense.

In essence the Open Theist is saying that "If I can't see the future, how can someone as insignificant as God see the future?" That is kind of roughly put, but actually very accurate. These theological magicians are telling us that God is not omnipotent because he gave us free will so how could he possibly predict what we're going to do? They base their beliefs on Scriptures which describe God "changing his mind" One of the verses they use to back up their claims is Genesis 22:12

He said, “Do not stretch out your hand against the lad, and do nothing to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me.”